I have come to understand time for what it is. I can not change the fact that my parents never married and lived without any of them since the age of 12. I do not have a set place I call home to go back to and went through several forms of abuse. I have four visible scars on the whole right side of my body and many other factors I wish I could have changed over the years. Simply because it was easier to think that certain standards are what govern whom I ought to be.
Do you remember starting off your Matric? Knowing that at the end of the year you will need to pass? Not just pass, but pass well enough as you were not the only one waiting on your results? If you still going to go through this, it is more nerve wrecking than waiting on your Doctors visit for an HIV & AIDS test. Hahaha seriously! Okay maybe there is less pressure now since the introduction of just your student ID number instead of your full ID details splurged for anyone to see. Thank goodness there is some sense of privacy now but there are still those family members and friends who will want to know about your results. Not that some of them are not supporting you financially but because for some odd reason society paints their role as supposedly caring.
I remember back in 2009 when I matriculated, I was genuinely shocked. First at finding out my name was actually in the paper, secondly that I passed with a Bachelor’s. You might be crunching your eyebrows and thinking what a hopeless case, you not wrong. I was a hopeless case, in everything that was going on in my life then. I was practically living alone, partying from “Phuza Thursday” (I did not miss a single party) and slept throughout my classes after first break.
Why? I was a hopeless case.
I gave up on myself and the best way I knew how to live was to forget. To forget the loneliness I felt of my parents living their lives in other places. Which I must add, my father lived in the same town as me and I only saw him once. It was no excuse though to think it okay to be part of the under age drinking statistics or to disrespect my class teachers sleeping through their lessons.
I was hopeless let me remind you.
It did not matter how much information I was going to gain and learn to embetter my future, I was just quickly getting through life by sleeping. I would not blame anyone who knew me during this time from thinking I did hardcore drugs or was highly sexually active. Unfortunately for those who thought so I had no energy to go out & get the drugs, I also had no idea how to love someone else let alone be intimate.
I remember a time I stayed in bed for two weeks straight, with the radio on one station and the volume never changing. I only got out of bed to go relieve myself in which I had no idea what I was relieving seeing as I was not eating anything, but now I do know. I was slowly relieving the thoughts that it was better for me to die than live through that pain. I had so many people I called friends but only one knew what I was going through. Thinking back she was more of an angel keeping me sane, seeing as we never sat together during break times or anything in between. I repaid her kindness by accompanying her home, walking a good solid 45 minutes chatting and catching up on things that distracted me off trying to relieve my pain.
I appreciate those times.
All I am saying is everything happens for a reason. My school offered Dramatic Arts as a subject in which I undertook. Acting as someone else even just for a little while was better than being me. It was Free therapy an escape from the real world, it is of no surprise on how well I did in this subject.
I appreciate those times and everything happens for a reason like when I met another angel, this time camouflaged in my First year of Varsity. We had so much in common she finding it hard to let go of her mother’s death and I the absence of both parents. We were tied by the hip, trying every new club scene inducing the pains away.
I appreciate those times.
We got accustomed to being speakers of the clubs seeing as we were always there, it is now that I understand facing the music is liberating. Facing reality as it is and not to fuss about what is happening around me but rather about what is happening to me in that time.
This moment of realization is not easy to grasp but easier to practice.
You might not need to go to church for this or you might. You might need to see a Psychologist or you might not have to. You might have to go through a near death experience or live in the moment of realization. Seeing as life is nothing without you the first step might be to interview yourself.
Asking yourself the hard questions is a quick way of grabbing some Twinsavers, but you could save some of those & time by asking something else.
A question many only ask themselves in relationships gone sour or have reached toxicity. It is a simple question really so you don’t have to speed up to the next line to get to it.
Is this worth my time? That is it!
Time is a constituent government to everything that happens around us in that time. Asking yourself this question everyday could potentially save you from coming back to the same awkward feelings.
How my parents did not get married in that time, happened to be the best decision for that time. My mother went from one degree to six degrees, she used all her time for the better. She did not sit around and cry over a broken heart, she dusted it off and moved on. She went on to get married five years ago to a respectful, attentive, hardworking and God fearing man.
That is what I call looking at time and saying “okay so that was not worth my time, what is worth it for me this time?”.
There are many other ways to question time like when it was time to start my periods, freaked out not knowing what was happening. I had numerous questions. I was fortunate though to get the most humorous “period talk” from an aunt who was diagnosed “mentally unstable”, we had a crazy time.
It hurt not having any parent to get me through this but I had more of a liberating talk, it eased me up even though I will never use Protex soap again, it always takes me back yuck! In that time though I learned valuable lessons to teach any child who might go through similar experiences.
Time is a constituent government to everything that happens around us.
I handled my depression sleeping through most of it, in that time I learned the power of my mind. Before I resorted to sleep I was always over analyzing and over thinking things like, how was it convenient that my father left after I was born? Was I that bad looking for him to not stick around to see me grow? Hahaha okay understand that my thoughts started very young, some questions are just that, young. If we continue to think of the same questions they eventually grow with us.
By the time I was eighteen I was convinced my father did not care let alone love me. Eventually seven years later I had stopped thinking for him and decided to ask him of the questions I use to have. To my surprise it was the opposite, that is when it hit me that I spent over twenty years thinking negatively. Carefully schooling myself rewinding the cassette I not only almost damaged my mind but damaged my father’s image in my head.
The time constituent was now governed by two opposing thoughts and I had to make a decision. A decision to keep thinking negatively or positively. How I have experienced multiple forms of abuse in that time I learnt to forgive.
Time does not change, the same 5am that was when I was born is the same today. The power has always been me evolving through time.
If you have had people betray your trust, abuse your intelligence, left you while still loving them, hating your life, finding it hard to be positive, you not alone. Govern this time, read this over and over until you get it.
Use this time to write to me or yourself but do not give up. Start over, it is not too late, this is the time.